*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him