I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I think we should hear other voices.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”