companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
You Might Also Like
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”