Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest