When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
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5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Is fake venison called venisn’t
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand