In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
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finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!