Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!