I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
You Might Also Like
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Respect
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Can Happiness buy money?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.