Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
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*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
This is a true ally.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
everyone has that one prude friend
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it