I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
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Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️