Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
no!! no!!!!!!
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.