Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
You Might Also Like
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO