Harsh but fair
You Might Also Like
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
forgive me baja for i have blast
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
This is a sub tweet
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”