Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
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When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
is this a threat
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion