Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
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If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
The “baby” on the left….
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.