“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
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Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news