No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
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person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I’m about to risk it all