You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”