All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
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JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.