Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
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Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.