I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
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Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten