ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
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our love story in four pictures
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .