sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
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My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.