It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
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gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Worlds greatest photobomb
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
good for her