I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
You Might Also Like
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
it must be school picture day
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket