husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
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Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.