Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.