I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
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Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius