Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
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Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Me as a therapist: omg same
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
eggs benadryl
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.