“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
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Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”