My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
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A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together