I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
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I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly