My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings