ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
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*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
This hospital has everything
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.