*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
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For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I feel seen
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.