Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
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I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That