Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
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Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.