Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
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“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
put ‘er there pardner!
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
the council will decide your fate
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”