Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Very good news from my accountant
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.