“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*