My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Stonehinge
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?