Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
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Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.