I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
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Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs