why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
You Might Also Like
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I think the cat got the dog high.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Stonehinge
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.