Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My dad.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.