So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
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professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?