WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567