“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they鈥檝e seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0掳 weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My kid can鈥檛 see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
The internet is undefeated.. 馃槀
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 馃槧
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you鈥檙e supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven鈥檛 seen This One Shall Pass?
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
You鈥檙e not allowed to donate blood if you鈥檝e listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[at the office]
Secretary: There鈥檚 a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Apiarist: Don鈥檛! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*