Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
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If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I did not eat the cake…
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?