Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
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When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Oh deer
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.